Mother's Day is a day that elicits many different emotions depending on your life circumstances. I hope that this Mother's Day found most of you happy, at peace, and with feelings of joy as you celebrate the various mother figures in your life.
In the spirit of full disclosure, this Mother's Day has been rough for me. Being a mom is truly life's greatest joy for me. Becoming a mom is the single most life defining, course changing event that has happened to me, second only to accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I adore being a Mom. My girls, though not perfect because no one on this earth is, are precious treasures. I sit in amazement often at new revelations that they share, accomplishments they achieve, or just how truly stunning they are to look at. I am honored to hold the title of Mommy to these special little ladies that God has entrusted to me.
When God called us to adopt our 5th daughter 3 years ago, we said yes to God's call without hesitation. I knew that as a Mom to 4 little ones, I had a lot of love to give, and I was excited to share this love with a 16 year old child that desperately needed to know unconditional love. I knew that loving a child that had a broken, hurt-filled, lonely last past would be hard, but I was confident that God would enable and equip me as a mother to love her despite those deep wounds. This is where I have to be completely honest with you....choosing to love unconditionally has been SUPER hard, and at times, I have failed miserably. In fact, 2 1/2 years in to this adoption, I am still failing, and it is still hard to choose love at times.
Which leads to me to today. While by all appearances our family seems to "have it all together", I feel that I need to share that we indeed, do not. It is hard to be fully open with struggles that we face, and to allow myself to be vulnerable. I learned at an early age to put on a happy face and act as though everything was peachy and grand, when in fact, that was not always true. Growing up a preacher's kid in a prominent church, you could say my siblings and I lived in a fish bowl. Sometimes spoken, but mostly unspoken yet highly perceived, expectations were placed on us on how to act and the perception we needed to put out there. Our family was an example to the masses after all. As I officially enter "middle age" (still a bit in denial about this!!), I am finding that putting that perception out there that everything is great all the time, is not only a huge injustice to myself, but it is also an injustice to all that surround me. There is power and freedom in being raw and real with those that surround you. And allowing yourself to be open, can speak words of hope, comfort, and encouragement to others.
I knew this Mother's Day would be a mixed bag of emotions for me from the get go for many reasons. For one, it is never far from my mind, but especially on this day, that Ryan and I have a baby in heaven that we will never know until we get to Heaven ourselves. Miscarriage is an extremely personal and tragic situation that affects each couple differently. For me, I internalize a lot, and our miscarriage is not something I have discussed often. Yet, it is something that has affected me profoundly, and the emotions of losing a child hit me at random moments as well as special days like today.
Another issue this day had going for me, was the fact that I have a son, and for all intents and purposes a daughter, that I am separated from. They are waiting in Ukraine for the day that they can come join our family, and it kills me to have them so far away. As a mother, it is not natural to be separated from your kids. The waiting is long, and the longing can be unbearable at times. I received a message this morning that said that our little guy was asking for me this morning, that he missed me and wanted to be with me. I so look forward to the day when our nest is full, with all of our precious children under one roof.
Yet another reason this day is highly emotional for me, stems from the fact that I am deeply entrenched in ministry to orphans whom I have grown to love dearly. I grieve for these precious ones who for various reasons do not live with their birth mothers. These kids each have names, faces, and stories of their own. They all have hopes, dreams, and the need to be loved. It breaks my heart that they have to live without the full benefits of being loved by their earthly mothers. Each child needs and deserves to be deeply loved.
But the final reason this day has been rough might surprise some of you. Our oldest daughter, for reasons unknown, has chosen to ignore me on this day. She has not uttered a peep, much less a "Happy Mother's Day!". I hope you can know my heart by sharing this with you, I am not sharing to say what a terrible daughter I have, or to make you think she is a cold hearted, terrible person. That is not the case at all. I share this simply to say that the journey to healing and restoration for an adopted child is an incredibly long, hard one. 2 1/2 years she has been home, and she still has huge walls up. Our relationship has not grown beyond the infant stage of getting to know one another in these past years. For a person like me, who internalizes and shuts down when I feel affronted or rejected by another, this lack of a deepening relationship with my daughter has been extremely trying. On the surface, I realize that things look wonderful. She has adjusted well, she loves her sisters, she is bubbly and outgoing at church, she is WILLING to go to church and enjoys church functions....all these things are triumphs that I don't wish to minimize. Yet, under the surface, there is so much work left to be done it can be overwhelming. As a mom, I worry for her future. I wonder if she will ever be able to have healthy, meaningful relationships with others. I deeply desire that she will fall in love, and marry a wonderful christian man one day, and have children of her own. Yet, none of that can happen if she does not learn to have deep relationships.
I know that God is the giver of life, that He is in the miracle business, and that He can fully heal our daughter. Psalm 27:13-14 says, "I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!" and Psalm 37:5-7 says, "Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act.He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him". Could you join me in praying that God would continue to heal our daughter's heart, and that she would learn to open up enough to have deep, meaningful relationships?
I ask that you pray for me also. That I would overflow with unconditional love. That God would shield me from closing up and growing weary of pursuing a deep, loving, meaningful relationship with my oldest daughter. I have to confess,sometimes I truly want to give up, and I have to pray for the desire, willpower, and endurance to keep pursuing a relationship with her. " If you, Lord, kept a record of sins, Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you. I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. Psalm 130:3-5 In those moments of defeat, I know that I am wrong. While I cannot control my daughter, I can control my own thoughts and actions, and unfortunately, I often choose the wrong thoughts and actions. I am so thankful to serve a loving God, that is willing to forgive me and use me despite my failures.
My girls and me. They are each priceless gifts from God. I pray that each day I choose LOVE for them, and that I can be the mother each one needs me to be.
Some of you may be thinking, now that you know things aren't exactly perfect in the Farrell Family, that we are B-A-N-A-N-A-S for planning to bring 2 more children from hard places into our home. I totally get that, and sometimes I think the same thing! But, we press on, not because of our "successful" adoption of our oldest daughter. Rather, we press on inspite of the hard journey it has been, and continues to be. The bottom line is this: we know without a doubt God has called us to welcome our next 2 into our family. Though it is hard, and we have to choose to love unconditionally, we do it because it is what God has called us to do. God loves me, a broken, lowly sinner, and He is able to equip me to love others that need it desperately. We look forward with eager anticipation to the day our newest additions join our family. We also look forward with cautious understanding that it is not going to be a cakewalk. We ask that you surround our family with prayer, that God would sustain us, equip us, and encourage us through any difficulties that we will face as our family expands. We also ask that you prayerfully consider making a financial donation to help us bring Masha here. Time is quickly passing for us to raise the remaining $24,000+ that we need before September. Again, you may be thinking that amount is astronomical to bring an 18 year old over on a student visa that will most definitely come with her own baggage. But, the truth is, we can't put a price tag on family. We can't put a price tag on someone's worth, and it is worth every penny to give a young adult the comfort and love of a family for the very first time. We truly cannot achieve this financial goal without your help. Ryan and I made a promise not to dip into the funds we have managed to set aside for our son's adoption next year to fund the student visa. We also pledged not to dip into our tithes and offering we have committed to our church, as well as to our ministry, 1U Project, that impacts the lives of 32 orphans daily. Please consider how you might be able to impact the life of our sweet Masha, by giving. No amount is too small, and I can assure you, God will bless you for your gift!
We cut this check last week to send off to the non-profit that is assisting us with Masha's student visa process. In 4 weeks, we will have to send in a $5,000 check followed by another $5,000 check in August. By September, we must also come up with $15,000 in tuition fees for her first year of studies.
Bringing a child over on a student visa can be more expensive than adoption costs, but our precious Masha is worth every penny. Please consider being a part of the story God is writing for her life! To make an online donation, please click here
You are all so dear to me, and I thank you for allowing me the opportunity to be open and honest with you. I hope that you were encouraged in some way today from reading this post. To all the Mama's out there in the trenches each and every day, Happy Mother's Day. You are loved and appreciated, from one Mama to another.
No comments:
Post a Comment